School Supplies

“Greetings and welcome to shopping at Smart Mart, your everything store.”

“Excuse me, I’m—ah—new at this.  Could you tell me where I can find this item on my first grader’s school supply list?”

“Certainly. Dear Human* Let me have look at your list.  Oh right. That’s at the end of aisle thirty.  Just turn right, go past the line of cashiers, take a left at aisle thirty and you’ll find what you want at the end of the aisle.”

“Thank you.”

“Hello, Dear Human,* can I be of help?”

“Yes, I’m trying to fill out my daughter’s school supply list.  She’s going into first grade, and this item is marked ‘optional,’ and I’m not sure I need to get it.”

“May I see your list?  Yes, you’re come to the right place.  Can I answer any questions to help you make up your mind?”

“Yes, it is an optional item and I’m not sure she’s old enough to need it.  And it does cost more than anything else on the list.”

“Do you have other older children?”

“No, Michelle is my oldest.”

“Then I can understand why you would be hesitant, not having done this before.  I’m sure there are other parents who have the same questions.  As parents we all want to do what’s best for our children and to keep them safe.  This is suggested as an optional purchase because six year olds mature at different rates and not all children at that age would be able to handle the responsibility involved.  Do you feel your daughter is a responsible child?”

“Oh yes.  Michelle has always been very responsible.”

“Excellent.”

“But six seems so young.”

“As I’m sure you’re aware, the law that allowed teachers to be armed has really not ended the tragedy of school mass shootings.  In fact, the teacher, armed or not, is often the first person targeted by these crazies.  And so the law in this state was broadened to allow students six years and older to be armed. Of course only if their parents desired.”

“But how safe is it for six year olds to be going around at school with guns?  Have there been any accidents?”

“None since the law was passed thirteen months ago.”

“Have any children actually used their guns in a shooter situation?”

“None as yet.  But you must understand that we don’t just sell a gun to parents and send them on their way.  The law mandates that the child complete a thorough gun safety and handling course taught by certified instructors from the American Firearms Association (AFA).  After which, the child is then licensed as a Junior School Guardian (JSG) with the city police department and their school principal is also notified.”

“Carrying around a handgun at school would be so big and bulky.  Michelle would stand out.”

“The weapons have been scaled down to fit smaller hands and there are a variety of choices.  Is Michelle petite or average or large for her age?”

“Her pediatrician says she’s in the ninetieth percentile.”

“Excellent.”

“But how many first graders are actually carrying guns?” 

“Based on figures from the police, in affluent school districts like this one, a little over half of the children.  I’ve already made quite a number of sales this school year.”

“Well——I don’t want her to stand out or to feel left out—-” 

“If it will help you to make up your mind, let me show you what we have available.  Now here’s a popular model—a Konrad School Special.  As you can see the weapon and grip are scaled for smaller hands.”

“It’s black. Does it come in any other colors?”

“It only comes in black to reinforce the idea to the child that this is not a plaything, that this is very serious business.  So no cartoon motifs either.  We want the child to realize that as Junior School Guardians they are responsible for the safety of their friends and classmates.  For an additional charge the handles can be changed to faux pearl to give the child a sense of pride of ownership.”

“But won’t it be hard for my daughter to handle?  I mean aiming it and firing it with the recoil?”

“There was a lot of thought that went into the design.  Because it is a small gun, it carries only four rounds, although it does come with an additional clip.  A special cartridge was developed by the manufacturers, the .22 Stinger.  The recoil is light but the bullet is based on the dum-dum principle that is only approved for this bullet for this use.  So it does have more stopping power that you might expect from a .22.  As for aiming, the gun has a laser sight built in and all she has to do is put the spot on the bad guy and pull the trigger.  It has been tested to be very accurate within forty feet.”

“But still, six year olds with deadly weapons—-“

“The gun safety course taught by AFA instructors emphasises responsibility and safety.  If a child horses around or is felt to be not capable of being a JSG, the parents are told that their child is still too young to continue training.  The dropout rate runs about twelve percent.  Each child is trained in simulated active shooter situations so that they would be calm and use their weapon effectively to protect their friends and class if the need arises.  And of course they get to fire their weapon so that they become used to how it works and feels.”

“You’ve given me a lot to consider.  I’ll have to think about it and talk to Michelle.  Maybe I’ll bring her down here to see for herself.  Thank you for taking the time.”

“Excellent, excellent.  I think Michelle would be interested in learning abot JSG’s.  You know, the AFA has down surveys and found that children who became JSGs had an increased sense of self-confidence and responsibility compared to children who were not.  Here is my card.  Call anytime if you have more questions.  And of course Smart Mart offers easy payment plans.”

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*In a move to become gender neutral, the usual gender specific titles such as Miss, Mrs., Ms., Mr., Sir, Madam were replaced by Human.  It was felt that Person carried a negative connotation (person of interest), and Being was too broad and had a vaguely science fiction connection.  Dear Human being the most formal form of greeting.  Less formally, Human, Dear H. or most informally DH have come into use.